In honor of Valentine's Day, I felt this to be a relatable post to discuss. I want to make it clear that this isn't a post to bash my husband or bash others' significant others/spouses. If anything, this is a post about learning to give them the benefit of the doubt (something I selfishly struggle with) and understanding that they probably just love differently than you do.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has always said, 'Expectations are planned disappointments.' And her words prove to be true, time and time again. Why is it that we expect this ideal vision of love or romance in our head to seamlessly play out perfectly, when majority of the time our spouse has a completely different vision? (Let's be honest, we see this unrealistic lifestyle in the movies.) We inevitably set each other up for failure.
One of my bigger 'ah ha' moments has been through reading 'The Five Love Languages' book by Gary Chapman. If you haven't, it's a must. To me, it's the 'bible' of understanding how/why people in your circle operate the way they do, whether it be your spouse, parent, sibling or friend. The book covers five different love languages - acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. While most of us desire some form of all five, we all have one that speaks greater to us than the rest.
My husband's love languages are quality time and acts of service. (He reassures me that he's 'not needy' and he's none of them.. right!) And my love language are words of affirmation and physical touch. Right off the bat, we are opposites. While I love hand written notes or texts of encouragement and gratitude of the things I do for our family, my husband would rather I sit on the sofa with him and relax. And while I'd rather snuggle and 'make out' after the kids are asleep, he'd rather have a bonfire together.
The book talks about how instinctively we all show our love in the way we wish to receive love, which usually goes in one ear and out the other for our significant other. Sometimes I'll write my husband a simple love note before bed and place it in his lunch bag for him to see the next morning. (Maybe he'll write me a note in return, right?) It doesn't even phase him. And not that he doesn't appreciate it, it just doesn't hit home to him like it would if I recieved a note from him. That's when expectations become planned disappointments. Subconsciously, I'm writing him a note, with high hopes that he'll return the favor; often times because I'm feeling like I need some affirmation in exchange. I'm unintentionally putting my needs first, I'm setting him up for failure (without him knowing), and that isn't fair. You can't give while expecting something in return. It's just not the way it's meant to work, and we all need to be reminded of that.
Another thing to consider is how each of you was raised as an adolescent. What was the relationship of your parents like? Were they together, divorced, widowed, single? Were your upbringings similar or different? What are your parents' love languages? Did you notice their love language as a child in how your parents praised or disciplined you? So many factors weigh into who each of us are and why we are the way we are. I have a dad who works so hard, go-go-go-go, project after project (acts of services), and a mom with a compationate heart, who wants everyone to know they are
loved and feels gratitude in doing so (words of affirmation). So similar yet so different of each other. And to this day, my heart smiles when I see a love note on my parent's bathroom mirror, to her from my dad, because I know that's not a strength for him but he does it anyway for my mom. Even after 35+ years of marriage, it takes continuous effort to love each other and speak each other's language, day after day.
Communication is key. Understanding how your significant other receives love is HUGE! Because most of the time, you're likely not speaking their launguage. Relationships are work, there's no doubt about it. And learning to love each other well will take you far. It's honestly a struggle for me to slow down and relax with my husband in order to meet his love language needs. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, it's a challenge for him to put words onto paper for me. We both understand what we need from each other, and we still struggle to follow through. But when we do follow through for each other, we know how much effort it took to make it happen and that's when love is sacrificial and real.
Try to trade places with your spouse (or family member, friend or cowoker); understand their strengths and weaknesses. Take into consideration the unseen efforts they've made to fulfill your needs.. even if it's not the way you invisioned it. Remember that expectations are planned disappointments. Learn to love each other well, with grace and patience, giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Xoxo
